Haven't posted many updates lately. Frankly it's because it's a bit depressing really, not really much to update on. Abby, after each treatment is kind of a wreck for a few days, doesn't want to do much and just sits on the couch and watches T.V. All day she watches that thing, eats bunny mac and cheese, popcorn, and sips out of her pink water bottle... she's just not herself. I think this is the hardest part for us right now, now that the shock of the diagnosis is gone, just seeing her sit on the couch staring at the TV. I'd take some pictures and post them, but they would mostly be the same, Abby on the couch. I know it's not a real uppity post but that's just how she's been, for the most part during this induction phase of the treatment. It honestly breaks my heart to see my little girl like this. I know this treatment is the best for her, but what kind of life is that, sitting in from of the TV.? Just making it really, trudging through these days, hour by hour and minute by minute.
Now don't get me wrong, she does smile sometimes, that beautiful Abby smile that lights up the room. And she has been playing with stickers a bit more now... So, I'm hopeful and very glad that this phase only has to last another couple weeks, the thought of another potential full month of induction treatment was making me crazy.
The other day, actually yesterday, Tiffany and her mom did take the girls down to the Bellevue/Watson Fish Hatchery and the Poudre River. I'm sure it was nice for them to get out and Tiffany said that Abby had fun feeding the fish. At one point though, Abby was walking, a novel experience for her lately, and she tripped and then couldn't get up. She just sat there and started to cry... Tiffany picked her up, gave a big hug and cried too. I think it was a "I just want my normal smiley little Abby back" kind of cry. Abby's cry too, was probably of a similar thread, just in a child's understanding, knowing that something is drastically different right now.
Maybe all of this is finally hitting because the whole leukemia thing has finally sunk in. "Hi, my names Mark and I'm a parent of a leukemia kid", (you say, "Hiiii Mark!"). No, but really, it has definitely sunk in, we still feel loved, still encouraged, still hopeful most of the time, and now it's time to keep on keeping on. We don't want to just "make it through" this phase either, we want to be alive in it, we want Abby to be alive in it, we want to live it as a family, no trudging through here! Pray that we do.
Well, Abby will be home soon from her check up in Denver, sounds like she is doing great. Dr. Smith, or Dr. Sniff as Abby pronounces it, said that she will just be a bit weak while her counts are so low, a bit nauseous & tired from the chemo, and moody from the Prednisone... Well that explains it! :) I'm just glad it's 70 out and I can sit on the porch and enjoy the sun, feel it's warmth, the breeze and in it all remember how small I really am.
Mark and Tiffany, This is Debbi Koeller. I'm not sure this will get through cuz I'm not a blogger. My heart is heavy as I read your last comment. HANG IN THERE!! Prednisone is the PITS!!! Abby will be acting differently for awhile - not just for the induction month. It takes awhile for it to move out of her system. I know how it feels to see your child become someone else - both physically and mentally - but this is the road you must take to get her back. She WILL come back, just as you knew her - even better!! God is molding her into someone even more precious and special - we praise Him for His amazing plan and design. I know in my heart that God must love both of you very much to give you this unique challenge and joy of being Abby's mom and dad and guiding her through this. God would never give you more than you can handle, so He must think you are special children of His who know to lean on Him and TRUST!! My heart is in my throat for you all day every day. Please know that good days will be back, and I know it sounds ridiculous and rather insulting, but IT COULD BE MUCH WORSE! All you have to do is walk through the Onclogy Ward and you will be on your knees rejoicing in your blessings. Our Greg started his third year of chemo in November - we still have "stuff" to deal with, but it is like night and day. He was where Abby was, and is now back to playing basketball, back at school, and fully into trying to be a normal obstinate teenager - I never thought I'd count THAT as a blessing! Things are very different than they were, but we have alot of "normal" days again. You will learn to live day by day, moment by moment, and SO appreciate those good moments (there really will be MANY!!) I pray for God's comfort for you and for the patience you will need to get through those moments you feel you really must scream or at least pull out a hair or two because yourt heart feels ready to burst with pain. He is and always will be there for you - as am I and so many others. Remember to call me any time day or night - sometimes it helps to rant and rave to someone who has been there. I have never met either of you, but my heart is very full of tender love for you both. God Bless!!
Mark, Your post hits my heart. Yes, she will come back into herself. This is a tough adjustment for you and for her. When Abby is up to it, maybe we should set up a play date. I have a 3 year old son, and it might be nice for her to just play with another kid. In the meantime, I will be praying for you all as I always do.
I wanted to say sorry the days seem so long But I want you to meet a mother who is walking in your shoes and she has away of putting things she is great http://www2.caringbridge.org/ga/kendrie/ Go here I am sure you will love her :)
Thanks for for these comments, encouragement and advice. The website is pretty good by the way, she is pretty funny. Her site helped me not feel alone in this, that lots of other families have the steriod blues too. I especially the like the "my daughter off steriods" picture of Nemo and "my daugheter on steriods" picture of the shark, good visual.
Have a great day everyone!
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