As I read the comments to Abby's blog, to Mark's and my and my dad's posts, and as I see people or talk to them on the phone, I keep hearing "you are doing so great with all of this", "you have such faith", "you have such courage". Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and am truly encouraged by these words. But this morning as I sit and read the Psalms I am struck by my own humanity, my own flaws and my own inability to handle any of this. It is so big. How do you deal with the truth that an all powerful God would allow a child to suffer? And possibly to die? How do you put to rest in your heart the thought that if God is so loving, why would he take a child from her parents? Or at least allow her to suffer? These are are the things that my heart wrestles with. And I know that I can take these hard questions to my Savior, to the One who may not be able to give me answers I want because I can't understand the workings of the universe and why things are the way they are, but I will take them to Him and He will help me get through them and find peace. And He has. I have heard Him telling my heart that this is not what He would have for Abby, or for all of us who grieve. In the beginning there was a plan for glory and for paradise and we chose to doubt God's goodness and because God didn't want to force us to chose Him, He allowed sin to rock our world. It is because of sin that Abby's body is wracked with cancer cells. It is not because God can't or won't fix it. Now He does have the power to heal her right now, I do believe that. That is the hard thing. Why won't He? Well, He has whispered to my heart through this all the reasons He has allowed this. There is a bigger story than Abby's health and our love for her. It is so key for me to lock into this or I will get bitter and angry at God. And I'm not just spitting out sunday school answers here. God has told me that He will use this whole process of Abby's cancer to bring so many people closer to Him. The desire of His heart is that everyone will know Him and chose Him and therefore be able to be with Him forever. Abby's cancer will shine a light into a dark world in a way that her not having cancer wouldn't. I believe that to the depths of my soul. I have seen it already in more ways that I can even list here. It is amazing how the lover of our souls really does turn all things to good. And as for my "courage" in all this, the only reason I am standing and moving through each day with peace in my heart is because I have had the honor of a personal encounter with my Savior. He has rushed in and comforted when I didn't even have words to say to Him. He is amazing. He is so faithful. He loves Abby more than I do. She is His daughter first. He will take care of her. I pray constantly that He will heal her so she can be with us for many years. But I also know that, like Abraham when he walked to that altar with his precious, only son, that You can be trusted. In my heart I know that I will be okay because You are with me. The verse I am hanging onto in this is Psalm 28:6- "The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in Him and I am helped." Thank you all for reading this. It is good to share my heart with you all. It is therapy. I know you are all praying for Abby and that is so comforting. You all give me strength to run into God's arms.