Saturday, January 29, 2005
Some thoughts from Tiffany
It's Saturday morning and I've had two full days of just hanging at home with the girls, Mark at work, and it's felt like a normal life somewhat. But of course what is normal anyway and I am learning that if I set my heart on a normal day or on any of my circumstances I am setting myself up for a fall. And that's good for me to learn. I have been in and out of anger at God and yielding of my heart to His plan. It's hard to swallow a lot of the circumstances of our life right now, like my little girl can't walk more than 5 or 6 steps this week without falling down, and still believe that God is good. But He is relentless in redefining my view of "good" and for that I am thankful. I have been broken and in that place He has shown me the things I hang onto instead of Him. Not because He is narcisistic (sp?) and has to have my allegiance, which has been my belief deep down until now- but because He loves me deeply and wants me to let go of the things that are keeping me from experiencing His amazing love and peace that transcends heartbreaking times. He wants me to know Him and be known by Him in a way that will pull me out of this self-focused place so I can experience truth and see my place in the big story He is writing. That has brought so much freedom (and at times frustration of course, it's not like I've got it all figured out) because I no longer have to make it all work, control, figure it out, whatever. I can let go.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that Abby is doing better this week. She has been cutting out valentines and coloring and talking in non-whining tones and not asking to just watch TV all the time. Her spirits are coming up and that makes me really happy. I feel like I have her heart back as we work on this trust thing between us. I know she's scared and confused at all that's going on but I sense she is adjusting and trusting Mark and I again to protect her as best we can. I'm sure it has rocked her little girl world to see that we can't majically protect her from all bad things. That's probably good for her, but it does break my heart some. It has been good to see her huge love for life starting to return.
On Monday we go in for the big bone marrow test and a spinal tap. No other chemo that day. They are letting her blood counts come back up and will start the next, less intensive phase of the treatment on the 8th.
To Frontier Academy Elementary school- your gift basket brought lots of tears to my eyes. I don't really know any of you but you lavished us with love and gifts and it was so touching, thank you. I am amazed by your generosity and thoughtfulness.