Thursday, January 13, 2005

Ever feel like you’re in a movie?

Things have been pretty surreal lately, really vivid you know, sharp colors and really feeling the cold and sun on my skin. Do you ever feel that way, like everything is just so vivid? I took a walk the other day, up in the foothills near our house. It was pretty muddy from the melting snow but the sun was still out and I just felt like I had to get out in nature. As I was walking, I felt like I everything was jumping out at me, I was very aware of my glasses frames, and the sound that my feet were making on the muddy gravel path. It was the coolest thing, and I’ve had lots of these types of experiences lately. I feel very alive. I think a part of it is because I can’t really live “in the middle” any more. I’m dealing with powerful stuff here, powerful emotions, powerful love of the people around me, powerful sadness, and yet an extreme sense of peace. I can’t just “get through” the days any more, or pretend that life is “ok” and that is a great thing for me. Maybe you don’t feel the same way, I don’t know, but for me I am soooooo glad that God has given my family such a wake up call to see what this life really has to offer, the hurts, the beauty, all of it. Nature, the way the snow clings to the branches, how drenched we feel in love from all of you out there, even Abby’s hard days… all of it, such an awesome example of God in our midst!

As you can see, I love being outside, so does Abby. All summer we would go over to the park, or find a short trail near our house to take a walk on. Her favorite thing to do at the park is to climb things that kids her age should not be climbing on. If she is in a really good mood, when she gets to the top, she’ll catch my eye with hers and then jump to me, hopefully I have a free hand, or better two; pretty fearless little girl really. She also does this at home, usually from the landing of our stairs she’ll just jump to me, a good 7 stair leap, with reckless abandonment. What faith!

I love that my daughter can teach me about faith from her playing and I think I might just be ‘getting it’ now. There is a lot of trust in that little girl and a lot of faith. Maybe it takes something like this to happen to us to get rid of those calluses that have formed from our reaction to the hurt in life. Maybe I've felt like I've jumped at times, and not been caught in the way that I wanted to. Maybe things like this happen so that we won’t continue to live in the middle, always keeping things in order, in control, so that we can save ourselves a little pain. Maybe I need to take a page out of my little girl’s book, learn to just catch God’s eye and leap.

Today Abby jumped to me on the stairs, only one stair but I bet it seemed like 10 to her… It makes me smile to see her playing like this again, to see her not becoming callus from this new lifestyle that she has been thrown into. I can’t wait to continue to see her get her climbing spirit back and also see her throw her self back into things with the same type of faith and trust as I’ve seen from her in the past. Maybe not the full 7 stairs, I don’t know if I trust myself for her sake, but definitely that same spirit.

Off to live a day in reckless abandonment and faith.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I am praying for your beautiful little girl, and your family. Stay strong and keep trusting in God's plan. If you need some extra support I invite you to become a member of our group friends of allie.

God Bless you!
Carrie Harrison - Friends of Allie

H. West said...


That is totally awsome. I love it. I love the way God sends things like that to really show us how he works- little reminders that we can hang on to and go back to like rocks. I remeber a couple months ago you blogged about not wanting to just trudge through life... so often in my life I look back at little statements or covenants I make or little questions I ask God about life and a few months later, when I have forgotten all about it, he brings me back there. So, congratulations, I suppose. Anyway, you are so encouraging to me. so, as someone i know says, "keep running the race. and btw, you rock."